The Five-Year Engagement

Jason Segel, Emily Blunt, Chris Pratt, Alison Brie, Rhys Ifans

Dir. Nicholas Stoller
Scr. Nicholas Stoller & Jason Segel

I read one review of this film that simply said “make it stop!” And half an hour in, knowing there was still more than ninety minutes left, I couldn’t help but wishing the same thing. I am a movie optimist – I will stick with a film and will always look for the good in it (Black Swan being an obvious recent exception). But, for the first time in many many years, I was almost tempted to walk out. Which saddened me greatly – I love Segel and Blunt, and it features the ever-hilarious Ifans, and the trailer had me itching to see this rom-com. However, this film is neither romantic, nor funny enough. And when it tries to be serious, it’s simply a bore. I suggest you avoid.

The Five-Year Engagement tells the story of Tom (Segel) and Violet (Blunt) and their very long, very troubled path from engagement to marriage. The trouble starts early, with Violet getting a university post that relocates the couple from San Francisco to Michigan. And a couple of years become a couple more. Tom isn’t happy, Violet doesn’t understand, blah blah blah. More stuff happens. Yawn.

The main issue I have with this film is that very little of it rings true. I recognised frustration and mean-spiritedness. But there was so much that was lacking, so little empathy, so little understanding. Violet is a psychology post-doc and yet she doesn’t seem to recognise extreme self-centredness in herself or absolute misery in her fiancé. At one point, she tells him he doesn’t get it – she has worked her whole life for this opportunity and so on and whatnot. I’m sorry, but excuse me??! Tom is a chef and was well on his way to being head chef in his own restaurant – I think he probably washed more than his fair share of dishes in his career! He sacrifices everything for her and she tells him he doesn’t get it – ugh, I just wanted to reach in and punch her in the nose.

Another problem with this film is that it’s very very very long, especially for a comedy. Now, that’s not fatal in and of itself. But, with a saggy middle and a lack of compelling narrative cohesion, I simply couldn’t believe how much it dragged on. When, finally, the happy couple live happily ever after (sorry, but it’s not really a spoiler when it’s so obvious), I simply didn’t care anymore.

The film is not devoid of laughs. I laughed out loud a handful of times. In fact, there are a couple of very funny scenes (when Violet and her sister argue using Elmo and Cookie Monster voices, I snorted). But a few laughs does not a movie make. And there were plenty of times I knew I was supposed to be laughing, but I just couldn’t. It’s not that the film is too crass, although it certainly has its moments, or too dark. It’s just not very funny.

I really don’t think the acting is all that bad. Segel and Blunt do have an easy chemistry. Ifans has some great moments. The supporting cast is full of funny, talented people. I just think they weren’t given the right things to say or the right ways to act.

Some might say this film is wacky and raw and poignant. Or that it tells the story of a perfect couple who become less perfect as time goes by. That it’s a light and dark look at a real relationship. Well, those people can bite me. Do not see this film.

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Suzie: This is supposed to be exciting. This is your wedding. You only get a few of these.