Rock of Ages

Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Paul Giamatti, Russell Brand, Diego Boneta, Julianne Hough

Dir. Adam Shankman
Scr. Justin Theroux, Chris D’Arienzo & Allan Loeb

I really, really wanted to like this movie. It seemed to be made for me. With Shankman at the helm, a wonderfully eclectic cast, and a whole lot of eighties soft rock, what could possibly go wrong? Well, quite a lot apparently. It has moments, glorious moments, where everything seems to come together beautifully. But, for the most part, Rock of Ages is truly awful. And not so-incredibly-awful-that-it’s-actually-brilliant awful. Just awful. I can forgive a lot (and often do) but, for me, it’s the mean-spiritedness of this film that just didn’t sit right.

Rock of Ages is the story of a small town girl (Hough), living in a lonely world, who took the midnight train going anywhere. And a city boy (Boneta), born and raised in South Detroit, who took the midnight train going anywhere. Well, not quite. She came into town on a bus and I don’t know where he was born and raised, but you get the picture. Girl, with big dreams, meets boy, with big dreams, and sparks fly. Alongside this love story is the battle between a group of conservative housewives, led by Zeta-Jones, and the proprietor (Baldwin) and patrons of The Bourbon Room, a nightclub on the Sunset Strip. And alongside this is the weird and wonderful story of Stacee Jaxx (Cruise), a rock god with some serious issues.

These not-so-neatly interwoven storylines make Rock of Ages a bit of a narrative minefield. Of course, Shankman has some great songs to fall back on and make sure things are moving along at a swift pace. But it doesn’t always work and, at a little over two hours, this film simply feels too long. The film is, of course, based on the Broadway show of the same name. And while I can imagine the energy in a theatre when the crowd-pleasing songs are belted out, the movie lacks the intimacy and, sadly, the resulting electricity.

And that mean-spiritedness I talked about, well, it’s just bewildering at times. Zeta-Jones’ character is so incredibly evil and cold that it defies belief. The scene where Jaxx pees, well, where he shouldn’t be peeing is horrible. And talk about inappropriate. Okay, sure, Grease was completely inappropriate in its day and all the better for it. But Rock of Ages simply feels slimy and a little bit grotesque. The scene in which Jaxx and the Rolling Stone reporter get it on was truly unpleasant and not nearly funny enough. I don’t know what I was expecting, but this wasn’t it.

It does hit the mark on occasion. The New Kids on the Block parody is truly inspired and very funny. The use of the classic rock tunes on offer is mostly pretty clever. The sing-off between Zeta-Jones and her cronies and Brand and his posse is gold.

And a few kind words also have to be said about the performances. Zeta-Jones can truly sing and is an absolute highlight in that regard. Brand is funny, although his accent seems to be all over the place. Baldwin is good, as is Giamatti, though both seem wildly out of place in this film. The two youngsters are pretty good – they can sing and definitely dial up the cheese, but they don’t have enough on-screen magnetism to carry the large parts of the film they are required to. The reason for seeing this film, if you still want to, is Tom Cruise. His performance is mixed, but when he gets it right, it’s a beautiful thing to behold. Think Iggy Pop, with a dash of Axl Rose, and a sprinkling of Jon Bon Jovi.

I don’t recommend this film. Although, even if I had a chance to read this and every other bad review before seeing the film (in some crazy time-travel adventure where I go forward in time and have nothing better to do than read my own blog), I still would have still wanted to watch Rock of Ages. Go figure.

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Dennis Dupree: This place is about to become a sea of sweat, ear-shattering music and puke.