Transformers

Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Jon Voight, John Turturro, Josh Duhamel

Dir. Michael Bay
Scr. Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman

When I heard a Transformers movie was in production, I was sceptical. Are they going to piss all over my childhood, I thought. When I saw the trailer, however, I was very excited. It looked fantastic. But when I saw the finished product, I couldn’t help but be disappointed. It was overlong, repetitive, lacked character development and (a common problem with blockbusters) gave away all its best bits in the trailer.

The plot is pretty basic – a war between two robotic “tribes” from the planet Cybertron (the Autobots and the Decepticons) breaks out and mankind is caught in the middle. Yes, it really is that naff. What made Transformers a great story, though, was what they could do – transform. And this aspect is by far the best thing about this film. The effects are a sight to behold. Everything I thought they could be. From your basic robot, to the more advanced sand-swimming scorpion robot, these mighty hunks of metal are awesome. I wasn’t so fond of the little stereo/cell-phone robot – the Jar Jar Binks of the film – but even this annoying transformer was superbly realised by the CGI experts.

There was plenty in Transformers that makes for a great action film – explosions, cheesy dialogue, more explosions, car/plane chases, a few more explosions, men in black, and some explosions. But this was not a great action film. Why?

Firstly, to make an action film truly great, we must care about the people. Yes, we need the explosions, but we need to care whether the characters die in the explosions. And the thing that makes us care is some solid character development – not overlong; rather short, snappy and to the point (it’s quite a skill). With the exception of Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf) and Mikaela Banes (Fox), character development is seriously lacking. Sure, we see that Captain Lennox (Duhamel) has a kid, but so what? And what’s with the blonde Australian genius girl who cracks the code? Who is she and why should I care what happens to her? The black kid who is a computer expert – who cares? What about the Secretary of Defence (Voight)? All I know is his job title. That’s not enough. Michael Bay gives us too many characters that we know next to nothing about – more robots transforming, Michael; less people being pointless!

Secondly, I really hated it when the robots talked. I know they have to talk. I know that we need to be told what is going on by someone, but why did they have to sound so ridiculous? It just made me roll my eyes. And not in a good way.

Thirdly, man, this is a looooooooong film. And it needn’t be. It’s unnecessarily complicated. And repetitive.

As for the acting, well, you’ll be surprised to learn there is some and it’s not all bad. LaBeouf in the lead role is extremely likable and funny. A very watchable young actor. Fox is okay – she’s too model-pretty for the film, I think, but I can understand why she was cast ahead of the girl-next-doors – the target audience are 14-year-old boys after all. Voight is criminally underused – this is a film that needed a few heavy-weights to give it some credibility and he certainly does, but he’s just not on the screen enough. The numerous soldiers and the kids who get recruited by the Government are so one-dimensional that the actors don’t get a chance to sink their teeth in. Witwicky’s parents, played by Kevin Dunn and Julie White, are diverting and I enjoy their screen-time. But, without a doubt, the man who lights up the screen is an oddly cast but brilliant John Turturro (as a mysterious man-in-black character). He plays slightly unhinged and scary like no other. Like Voight though, he doesn’t get nearly enough airtime.

So, if you want some explosions and some awesome effects, by all means go see Transformers. But this is not a well-rounded, memorable action film. There isn’t enough heart and, in the end, I just didn’t care enough whether Optimus Prime beats Megatron and saves mankind. They simply weren’t interesting enough to be worth saving.

Maybe Michael Bay is a robot … It would explain a few things.

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Mikaela: So if it’s some super advanced robot, why does it turn back into a piece of crap Camaro?